Dear God...

a collection of thoughts

okok, i know a post-exam post is long overdue.. but i've been trying to collect enough worthwhile thoughts to blog ok.. i don't think i have yet, anyway... but here goes:

1. i've realised that i can get very hyper after exam papers. as in, for a couple of hours after sitting for a paper, the adrenaline will still be pumping and i'll feel very alert and my brain is very active and absorbent, even though i might not have slept very much the day before. of course, i'll feel like crashing later, but not that soon anyway, so one of the best times to study is right after an exam paper.
   


2. its pretty appalling how much stuff i manage to accumulate in my pgp room in one semester. its terrible -- the sense of having enough space to store stuff is so deceiving. now i have to clear out my cupboard at home just to stuff in all the clothes i currently wear, and clear out my filing cabinets and shelves to make space for all my notes and books. piling stacks of stuff all over the place is no longer an option.
   


3. it just tears me apart, seeing people i care for hurting, and not be able to do anything about it. how its just not possible to reach through the computer screen and give them a real hug and tell them its ok. and its even worse when the words to say just won't come out, because i'm afraid to say the wrong thing. and sometimes, in the cases that make me want to cry, it feels so helpless when i can't even speak of the one thing i know for sure will give them comfort, the one thing i know for sure will give them reason to climb up again time after time, because that is the one thing that gives us all, finally, a real and worthwhile reason to live. because all this ends up as pious preaching, repetitive, empty words that don't mean anything to them, because they do not understand.
   

Psalm 34

Of David. When he pretended to be insane before Abimelech, who drove him away, and he left.

¹ I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.

² My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

³ Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

⁴ I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

⁵ Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

⁶ This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.

⁷ The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

⁸ Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

⁹ Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.

¹⁰ The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

¹¹ Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

¹² Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,

¹³ keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.

¹⁴ Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

¹⁵ The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;

¹⁶ the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

¹⁷ The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.

¹⁸ The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

¹⁹ A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;

²⁰ he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.

²¹ Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

²² The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

the Lord gives refuge to all who seek him, and the faces of all who look to Him are always radiant. but don't take me for my word, prove it yourself! for how will you know that the Lord is good, if you won't even take a taste and see?

tell me its ok...

Chapter 18: The Open Economy

The sum of the current account deficits of all the countries in the world should be equal to zero: One country's deficit should show up as a surplus for the other countries taken as a whole. This is not, however, the case in the data: If we just add the published current account deficits of all the countries in the world, it would appear that the world is running a [measured] large current account deficit. Some economists speculate that the explanation is unrecorded trade with the Martians. Most others believe that mismeasurement is the explanation.

Quote of the day courtesy of Olivier Blanchard, author of Macroeconomics (International Edition).
(emphasis mine... shouldn't it be Interplanetary Edition instead?)

1st chapter down.

hmm... i've nothing much to blog about really. realised i only blog when i'm really bored and/or down. so when bored i post blogthings. when down i rant. now i'm in a kindof bored and down going up mood. so i don't really have much to blog about, and since i'm studying i'm not actually THAT bored (1st chapter only mah), so no blogthings either.

things have been... ok. everything's been kinda balancing out. some stuff is bleah. some stuff is happy. so everything ends up overall -ok-.

sometimes i wonder if i rely on people too much. can't do anything alone. talking makes me happy. just not talking to myself, obviously. being quiet also makes me happy. only obviously when i'm not alone. being around people makes me happy. just not too many.

maybe thats why i'm always on msn, whether or not i feel like talking. its the perfect kinda situation where you know pple are there. but you don't have to be with them. just nice for the closet anti-social me.

then again, its not just anyone who can really make me feel better. i suppose.

food-eating battle monkeys!

teo min zhi is a Banana-Eating Death Monkey ...with a Battle Rating of 8.4 To see if your Food-Eating Battle Monkey can defeat teo min zhi, enter your name:

my sister is a purple people-eating magic monkey of monkey score 9.1
see... i always knew i had a monkey for a sister. though probably with an identity crisis.. piggish monkeys.. hmm...

Chronicles of Muggerhouse Episode 1: Of Food and Asses

Today, in the latest developments of the face-off between the 2 horizontally-challenged sisters of muggerhouse:

no.1: oi, make daddy happy la. go for supper with him with me.
no.2: don't waaaaaaaaaant! faaaaaaaaaaaaat!
no.1: just drink milo bing la.
no.2: don't waaaaaaaaaaaaaant! faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!
no.1: oi!
no.2: okok let me go get changed...

in the car...

daddy: so i order one plate of hokkien mee you all 2 share ah?
no.1: ... ...
no.2: ... ...
daddy: so i order one plate of hokkien mee you all 2 share ah?
no.1: i only want milo bing.
no.2: ... ...
daddy: or you all want chicken wings? or hokkien mee?
no.1: i only want milo bing laa!
no.2: i want BOTH!

after ending up sharing one plate of hokkien mee, 1 cup of milo bing, 1 cup of teh bing, upon reaching home...

no.2: eh, get out of my way la, you and your fat ass!
no.1: look who's talking...
no.2: eh your ass is fat lor! mine is not! mine is big, and round, and voluptuous!
no.1: ... ... HAHAHAHHAHAHAH!


any resemblance to any characters living or dead in the above account is purely *wracking coughcoughcough* -tentional.

give thanks in all circumstances

Thank you, Lord, for the horrible pap essay.

i haven't managed to catch the sunrise in a long time... the vivid shading of the sky, the beautiful blue... it's a really beautiful end to my day ;p

goodnight :)

i have a history

i have just spent 1 hour over lunch listening to my maternal grandma tell me the story of her grandparents and the subsequent 3 generations.. coolness! now i can finally decipher the relationship between all the ah mms, ah pehs, zek gongs, sin mas, yi mas and yi gongs spread over malaysia and singapore (very complicated), and have finally figured out how come i have so many relatives in both countries..

so exciting! i could write a book on our family history or something, provided i can find out enough to write a book that is... and that all the elders have good and relatively accurate memories... but i'm sure there are enough stories to compete with the longest essay i've ever written anyway (15 pages) haha.. though, as wai po enthusiastically pointed out, it'll have to wait til i finish my exams, or after i graduate...

remind me to blog all this sometime.. all the family scandals and migrations are infinitely more interesting than the pap.

oh pfffffft.

"mood swings" is too mild a term

"girls are really hard to work with, because they're very emotional"

true, that... but made even more poignant 1 hour later when i found out my ms test results. was feeling quite pressured the whole of yesterday with the thought of having to do 2000 words by friday and not having really done any research yet. then came a whole night of high when i found out that the deadline had been postponed til monday, and a project presentation potentially on thursday had been cancelled completely, the report to be handed up on the 11th of Nov instead. mood is now at an all-time low having just found out that although i thought i got most of the questions correct for the ms test, i am in the bottom 40% of the class. bottom 20 to 40% more specifically.

have been trying to restrain myself from slamming the door. throwing my bag on the floor. tapping the keys on my keyboard really hard. been trying to ignore this tight feeling in my chest and the desire to curl up in my bed with my blanket over my head.

"its like that one la, for this kind of competitive module, the kind all the science and maths pple take"

not as if i don't know my work!? this is starting to get senseless. putting in all the effort to stay up to date and on top of my work. i know whats going on. huh. at least thats what i think, tho obviously if the results of any of my tests are anything to go by, i know nuts.

why why why am i bothering to care? why do i WANT to care?! caring just makes life so difficult! caring HURTS. now i can't even say that grades don't matter to me anymore, and there's nothing to hide behind, nothing to numb that horrible feeling. the frustration. the sense of failure. having to stomp down hard on my pride, admitting that yes my emotions are tied to my grades, amongst other things and people. and worst of all, realising that my emotions govern my life, if i decide to eat, drink, sleep, talk, do work...

they shouldn't, damn it. and i'm so sick of this.

i never learn

2000 words by Friday 4pm.

current word count: 0
current number of readings read: 2
topic chosen: 5 seconds ago

time left to do research and write: 1 + 24 + 16 - 2 (two 1- hr tuts) - 1 (lunch w bing) - 2 (one 2-hr lect) - 5 (one meeting with sups) - 2 (one 2-hr lect) = 29 hrs - 12 (sleep) = 17 hrs theoretically.

oh shoot me pls. argh.

i just dreamt that my neighbour gave me all the readings and notes i need to write my essay. i should just keep on dreaming eh.

i'm incorrigible.

update: 15 min after posting the above, i went next door to follow up on my dream :p and found out that the deadline's been postponed to MONDAY!!! apparently the prof said it twice during lecture... must have been when i hadn't reached school yet :X waaaaah! happiness! shoot i think i'm gonna change my topic since i now have more time to read and do my research. whoohoooooo!

God is so good! God is so good! God is so good! He's so good to meeee!

爱情

Update: found Karen Mok's version here
(for all you pple i know are not going to bother reading the chinese...)

突然间想听一些华文歌曲，就把以前高中时代买了，现在只收集灰尘的cd翻了出来。。。 选了张智成的凌晨三点钟来听。 听到的这首歌让我想起当年的许多回忆。。。我们4个躲在雨伞下唱歌，躲在pt的楼梯口练歌。。。当年还很清纯地想靠唱歌过一辈子。虽然还是比较喜欢莫文尉的那个版本，这首歌，我还是很喜欢。。。


爱情 （张智成，江美琪）

若不是因为爱着你
怎么会夜深还没睡意
每个念头都关于你
我想你
想你
好想你

若不是因为爱着你
怎会有不安的情绪
每个莫名的日子里
我想你
想你
好想你

爱是折磨人的东西
却又舍不得这样放弃
不停揣测你的心里
可有我姓名

爱是我唯一的秘密
让人心碎却又着迷
无论是用什么言语
只会
只会思念你

若不是因为爱着你
怎会不经意就叹息
有种不完整的心情
爱你
爱着你

not again!

Revelation 7:9-10 reads,

After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice:

"Salvation belongs to our God,
who sits on the throne,
and to the Lamb."

Yesterday, i heard this verse for the 6th time in about 1 month. The 1st 3 of which i was asked to read it out. the last 3 were read out to me. if i hear this verse one more time, i will...

blogthings are back! hehe

You Are Strawberry Ice Cream

A bit shy and sensitive, you are sweet to the core. You often find yourself on the outside looking in. Insightful and pensive, you really understand how the world works. You are most compatible with chocolate chip ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

Your Blog Should Be Green

Your blog is smart and thoughtful - not a lot of fluff. You enjoy a good discussion, especially if it involves picking apart ideas. However, you tend to get easily annoyed by any thoughtless comments in your blog.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

haha.. really meh?

Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest: You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary. At Your Lowest: You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in. In Love: You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated. How You're Attractive: Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room. Your Eternal Question: "What else do I need in my life?"

What's Your Power Color?

You Are Likely a First Born

At your darkest moments, you feel guilty. At work and school, you do best when you're researching. When you love someone, you tend to agree with them often. In friendship, you are considerate and compromising. Your ideal careers are: business, research, counseling, promotion, and speaking. You will leave your mark on the world with discoveries, new information, and teaching people to dream.

The Birth Order Predictor

hur hur

10/10/2005: TM 2

Very funny, God... really. very funny. i can't stop laughing... really, i can't.

i saw this coming, really, i did. especially today. the whole day. i just KNEW what was going to happen. so You've affirmed it. but hey, You were the One who told me first right...

are You trying to tell me something? nudge me in a certain direction? are You grinning at my futile efforts to keep a bit more time free? steep learning curve this new academic year huh.

man, i really don't know what to make of this. i didn't want this, i didn't ask for it, You know that. but You're obviously leading me somewhere, You've obviously got PLANS. i just feel so... blind. guess this, among other things, is supposed to be a lesson in faith huh.

*wry chuckle*

dimsum!

after a whole week of irregular and lousy meals in school, friday afternoon's family lunch/tea (since i finished sch at 2) got me really excited... we went to fortunate restaurant in toa payoh central for dimsum to celebrate my mum's 46th birthday. was especially happy-fying since i'm such a carnivore and we rarely have dimsum.. also we haven't had proper, nice meals as a family for so long... extra-ly happy-fying was the fact that there was a 30% discount from 3 to 6pm (tho haha i wasn't footing the bill.. but i admit it - i can be such a cheapo at times.)

lesson learnt of the day: how to eat fried durian balls. (was so amusing when my sis read out from the dessert menu "fried durian balls", and you suddenly see 2 heads nodding in unison - mum's and dad's.. hahah..) so well, here's the lowdown in photos:

eh smile leh! (all disgruntled over having to put down their chopsticks and stop eating to take a photo.. notice i didn't have that problem *grin*)



dumplings with sweet corn & cold fish... haha.. sounded and looked more dubious than it tasted la..

dad & one of his long stories again... nvm, they too busy to eat, just means more food for me! muahaha!

here's waipo wondering what to eat next, and how to cook it at home.. :D



THE FDB! (fried durian balls)

FDB1001: how to eat fried durian balls

alternatively...

mx & mz

mum (the birthday girl!) & dad

it started off well enough...

there's been a sharp increase in the amount of exercise i've been getting over the past 2 weeks - ifg netball & basketball, and miscellaneous other energy sapping activities like shopping and trying to get a tennis ball to not fly over the fence when i hit it.

heh and i must say it feels good, and has been really fun and enjoyable. sortof miss the days when exercise, like it or not, was mandatory - pe, netball training 10 hours plus a week... i miss the familiar ache in the muscles, proof that i DID have muscles... i miss the fun and laughter... trying new sports... the discipline in the training... becoming fitter, better, sharper...

i miss the rg days especially, when we had netball carnival every year. and how when i was in 213, we rejoiced over getting out of the bottom of the table at last. and 313 and 413, what with the 'unlucky 13', cursed classrooms and wonky computers, and how we'd only work for anything we thought we might win at.. haha.. and so we almost did.

these things bring such warm fuzzy feelings that make me consider actually going back to training properly. but what i saw at the netball game today just totally reminded me of why i left netball and to a lesser extent, raffles behind when i went to jc.

- deleted details, won't be fair to put down just my side of the story for public reading considering the worked up state i'm in now. ask me for them yourself -

the whole atmosphere of exclusivity and elitism totally turned me off. maybe i'm being really harsh here, but i say, where's the camaraderie and the sportsmanship? isn't playing sports about pushing your own limits to see how far you can go? isn't it about enjoying pushing yourself to see how far you can go? since when was it about pushing yourself just so you can belong in a league of pple you perceive to be equally superior with yourself, and excluding those whom you perceive to the inferior?

hah. call this sour grapes. or whatever. its just pple like that, caught up in their own world of superiority and status, and who display every wish to be aloof from who they consider inferior, who have always irked me... and continue to do so, whether in sports, or school, or what. that desire for recognition and to be thought far superior than others, which for a short and regrettable while in my younger days had consumed me, has now become one of the things that most irritate me, one of those things i'm still struggling to learn how to respond less drastically and negatively to.

ok maybe i'm just really upset about how this week has been. being misunderstood and getting asked whats my problem when someone didn't read the sms and observe certain things carefully and just fired up at me, getting kneed in the cheekbone near my eye and not getting an apology at all (i suppose she really might not have realised that she kicked me, but the blue-black is proof enough of it anyway), getting a really uptight umpire, getting an opponent who'd say 'thank you' when one of my teammates accidentally threw the ball in her direction (the ball was meant to go to the person behind my opponent) and who'd yell 'yay' when her team managed to intercept the ball in their goal circle... like -speechless-. *rolls eyes*.

if you don't understand this post, what the heck. its better if you don't anyway, considering the quite unedifying worked up state i'm in now, this is probably not a very worthy read. argh.

Lord, please please please grant me more understanding and patience!

home alone and no space to breathe

Pride is a very draining thing. That desire for more, to be thought of as better, smarter. And when the blow comes, where is your pillar of support? You were nothing except your belief that you were something. And now when everything else is stripped away, what are you? what do you have? what will you do?

*sigh*

- brainwashing in progress -

a long week ahead

heh for those who still don't know, its off to Mongolia for MEET! with a team of 6 other girls! cool or what. i can foresee a looong and testing 9 or so months ahead, and am really excited to see what God has in store for all of us, though i know its not going to be an easy time for me, already see a hint of which areas in my life will take a beating come these 9 months of preparation and the actual trip (assuming i even actually make it to the end).

but the title of this post is "a long week ahead", not "a long 9 months ahead"...

have just had my 1st midterm of my 2nd year in uni on saturday. another's coming up on monday, my 10 to 4pm back-to-back lessons day, this time with my first MEET team meeting and bible study thrown in in the evening for good measure. then its another midterm in the morning on tuesday. CG's on wednesday, more bible study. another mid-term on thursday. a 700-word response paper on friday. another MEET joint meeting on saturday - have to memorise 1 Cor 13. with ifg netball sometime(s) during the week.

heh. happening or what. and here i am, blogging.

i am in quite good spirits actually, don't know whether to be surprised or not. despite my despairingly short attention span when it comes to studying and doing actual exam papers, i haven't been getting too worried about the quite unfinished state of my studying, maybe because i've actually been TRYING to pay attention during lectures and tutorials so far this semester.

but still, i'm finding it difficult to find purpose and motivation in studying hard and scoring well. i mean, sure, i would absolutely love to do extremely well and get into the top of the cohort like i used to, and i suppose if i exerted myself and really put in effort that shouldn't be a problem, but years of complacency and disillusionment towards the actual value of learning have given me a bo chup attitude towards grades and schoolwork that i'm finding really hard to shake. old habits die hard.

after that big booboo that was my managerial econs grade last semester, i've felt the need to put an end to all this bo-chupness. i used to reason that whatever grades i got, that that would be God's will and God being sovereign, it didn’t matter whether i studied hard or not (or at all). i had faith and i was sure that God would bring me through, to jc, to uni... and i was right. after getting quite good grades for exams i know i didn’t deserve the grades for because i didn’t study, i would marvel at how His power is shown thru the weak (i.e., myself).

i was finding it difficult to reconcile bringing glory to God and studying hard in school. at the recent FT, Dr Ng Liang Wei mentioned that we shouldn’t even have to think about balancing schoolwork with being a Christian – it shouldn’t even be an issue. We should all be as arrows with one single target and direction – God. as to how hard we should study? study hard enough, so that God can use you to do his work in the future.

during bible study in church yesterday, pastor was giving us an intro to the study of King David, which he titled “God’s man, God’s way, God’s heart”. he talked about how God prepared David, training him from young, in solitude, obscurity, monotony and reality of life. As the youngest, David had to take care of the boring family business. imagine taking care of bah-ing sheep by yourself for days out in the grazing plains and hills without anyone else to talk to but sheep, and with your own staff, hands and stone to ward off any danger that might come along. what really spoke to me was how God puts you where you are as a method of preparing you for what is to come in the future.

i realised that for so long, i've been taking so many things for granted, been so ungrateful, even arrogant. and while its so easy to come up with so many "valid reasons" for why i turned out like that, ultimately the point is those "reasons" don't matter. those reasons are like puny efforts at trying to defend yourself and argue with God. at the end of the day, i just feel so ashamed and can only pray to be given a humble heart. God looks at the heart and a genuine and consuming desire to face up to your flaws, to take up your cross, and follow Him, because in the light of the Perfect, the imperfect disappears.

sure, trust in the Lord that whatever He wants to happen to you will eventually happen, whether or not there is any exertion on your part. but be careful of the thin line between faith and complacency. i think i’m beginning to see that God is not so much glorified through the results, but that He brings the glory to Himself when through the realisation of His love and the desire to reciprocate that love, a person is changed from the inside, to want to desire to please Him and to make every use of the position He’s put him/her in, responding in thankfulness and acknowledging His will in placing him/her there, being sensitive to every situation, in anticipation of the Lord’s leading, teaching and equipping for what is to come.

i sort of didn’t expect to write such a long post... but as it is, after throwing out all my thoughts, in the process making them more coherent to myself (and hopefully not too incoherent to you the reader), i find that the Lord has once again gotten a one-up on me... looks like the reason for me to work hard is quite clear now... although i do still find it a drag having to struggle thru this week... but then that’s where the aforementioned faith comes in right? :)

and if you did manage to get through this long post, i do suppose you’re one of those who actually bother really taking an interest in my life, despite how tough i make it for you with all my complaining and whining about it... so this here is dedicated to you, my darlings... thanks for being there for me and trying to cheer me up whenever i’m down... for agreeing to acoompany me when i’m feeling all moody and depressed and lonely... for trying not to laugh but ending up laughing at me anyway and calling me names when i go all ditzy, and for not telling other people why... for that encouraging word and long msn (or otherwise) conversations... for fond memories and warm fuzzy feelings... i can’t thank God enough for you people... i love you!!!!!! *muackz!*

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.

~ Colossians 3:23

word count: 1195. now if only writing essays for schoolwork was this easy.

You are the rain

Strangely out of place,
and there's a light filling this room where none would follow before.
I can't deny it burns me up inside.
I fan the flames to melt away my pride.
Do I want shelter from the rain or the rain to wash me away?

I need you, I need you, I need you.
I need you, I need you, I need you.
You're all I'm living for.

I might sound like a fool,
but I think I felt you moving closer to me.
Face to the ground to hide the fatal cut.
I fight the weight, I feel you lift me up.
You are the shelter from the rain and the rain to wash me away. 

I need you, I need you, I need you.
I need you, I need you, I need you.
You're all I'm living for.
I need you, I need you, I need you.
You're all I'm living for.

Face to the ground to hide the fatal cut.
I fight the weight, feel you lift me up.
I can't deny it burns me up inside.
I fan the flames to melt away my pride.
I only had a second to spare, but all the time in the world to know you're there.
You are the shelter from the rain and the rain to wash me away. 

I need you, I need you, I need you.
You're all I'm living for.
I need you, I need you, I need you.
You're all I'm living for.
I need you, I need you, I need you.
You're all I'm living for.


~ I Need You, Jars Of Clay