Unthinking faith is a curious offering to be made to the Creator of the human mind.

- ripped off hui*leng's msn nick

gorillas and pandas

this morning, i'm up so early because i simply cannot stay asleep despite having slept past 3am last night... i wonder if it's the result of that big, fat and bloody (well bloody after i killed it la) aedes mosquito i killed on my arm last night... but something tells me the flush i feel all over isn't because of that (or at least i really hope it isn't). gosh i wonder what can possess me to be wide awake before 8am?? i hope this doesn't continue to happen too often or the panda shall be back in earnest at the rate i sleep late and wake up early urgh. :p

deceptively overwhelmingly distractively busy

hmm.. has been a really long time since i last posted something. i think this december period has been deceptively overwhelmingly busy... have been spending a lot of time running around, but it doesn't feel as if i've been doing much running around. haven't spent a lot of time at home either, and the time at home has seemed even shorter because of the amount of time i've spent at home being distracted by things i keep thinking i should be doing but not doing, which ties in to the running around during the time not spent at home thing. so in short, this december period has been busy not because i've really been busy but i've been thinking about so many things and getting distracted by them that i've been feeling really busy. which explains the deceptive bit of the busy-ness.

"distracted from what?", you might ask. well, i'm not too sure either, but one of the observations i've made about being busy or distracted is that i turn very apathetic and bo chup. things don't move me that normally will. anntic was almost a drag to get through because all i'd wanted to do throughout the whole time was get away from all the people at the camp and have some quiet, no-need-to-think-of-stuff-i-have-to-do or be-distracted time. i'd clam up and stop commenting on stuff that i don't agree with or think is cool cos i'd get all can't-be-bothered, or even cynical, thinking that i'd be just wasting my breath talking... or even selfish, thinking that i've contributed enough with all my other commitments and that its time i kept quiet and absorbed instead.

then there was meet camp... and the whole flurry of stuff i thought had to be done before that. "i thought" referring to the fact that i spent time thinking about what had to be done which actually had to be done, not referring to thinking about what had to be done but didn't get done or didn't actually have to be done. meet camp itself was a pretty fun experience, though i must say that the non-stop of activities from the beginning of 2005 until meet camp had just totally drained me and put me in a not very conducive or optimal state to do a lot of learning during these 2 christian camps.

but i guess i still learnt quite a bit. the most important of which is the absolute necessity to keep up with regular quiet time. hvaen't been doing that since after exams and i think it shows. life becomes a meaningless cycle of activities and the apathy towards these things have even crept into my spiritual life. the prospect of falling away from God suddenly seems so real... the statistics (what, 80%?) often thrown around in christian circles suddenly doesn't seem like such a joke anymore. and that scares me. could that happen to me, ever? i don't want it to happen... and i thank God for all the stuff thats still keeping me accountable and reminding me of the great gift that i have already, and of the many many millions of people out there who are not as rich as i am, who don't have this precious gift that i do, many who are searching and waiting for an answer, an answer they don't even know the question to. even though some of these activities are what's wearing me out, but i thank God for them, because i've realised that these things would never have worn me out if i had stuck to whats impt in the first place -- growing in my relationship with Him and maintaining an open channel of communication with God, not shutting Him out and off.

but i still wish i had a chance to switch off this hols. ahhh well.......