a long week ahead

heh for those who still don't know, its off to Mongolia for MEET! with a team of 6 other girls! cool or what. i can foresee a looong and testing 9 or so months ahead, and am really excited to see what God has in store for all of us, though i know its not going to be an easy time for me, already see a hint of which areas in my life will take a beating come these 9 months of preparation and the actual trip (assuming i even actually make it to the end).

but the title of this post is "a long week ahead", not "a long 9 months ahead"...

have just had my 1st midterm of my 2nd year in uni on saturday. another's coming up on monday, my 10 to 4pm back-to-back lessons day, this time with my first MEET team meeting and bible study thrown in in the evening for good measure. then its another midterm in the morning on tuesday. CG's on wednesday, more bible study. another mid-term on thursday. a 700-word response paper on friday. another MEET joint meeting on saturday - have to memorise 1 Cor 13. with ifg netball sometime(s) during the week.

heh. happening or what. and here i am, blogging.

i am in quite good spirits actually, don't know whether to be surprised or not. despite my despairingly short attention span when it comes to studying and doing actual exam papers, i haven't been getting too worried about the quite unfinished state of my studying, maybe because i've actually been TRYING to pay attention during lectures and tutorials so far this semester.

but still, i'm finding it difficult to find purpose and motivation in studying hard and scoring well. i mean, sure, i would absolutely love to do extremely well and get into the top of the cohort like i used to, and i suppose if i exerted myself and really put in effort that shouldn't be a problem, but years of complacency and disillusionment towards the actual value of learning have given me a bo chup attitude towards grades and schoolwork that i'm finding really hard to shake. old habits die hard.

after that big booboo that was my managerial econs grade last semester, i've felt the need to put an end to all this bo-chupness. i used to reason that whatever grades i got, that that would be God's will and God being sovereign, it didn’t matter whether i studied hard or not (or at all). i had faith and i was sure that God would bring me through, to jc, to uni... and i was right. after getting quite good grades for exams i know i didn’t deserve the grades for because i didn’t study, i would marvel at how His power is shown thru the weak (i.e., myself).

i was finding it difficult to reconcile bringing glory to God and studying hard in school. at the recent FT, Dr Ng Liang Wei mentioned that we shouldn’t even have to think about balancing schoolwork with being a Christian – it shouldn’t even be an issue. We should all be as arrows with one single target and direction – God. as to how hard we should study? study hard enough, so that God can use you to do his work in the future.

during bible study in church yesterday, pastor was giving us an intro to the study of King David, which he titled “God’s man, God’s way, God’s heart”. he talked about how God prepared David, training him from young, in solitude, obscurity, monotony and reality of life. As the youngest, David had to take care of the boring family business. imagine taking care of bah-ing sheep by yourself for days out in the grazing plains and hills without anyone else to talk to but sheep, and with your own staff, hands and stone to ward off any danger that might come along. what really spoke to me was how God puts you where you are as a method of preparing you for what is to come in the future.

i realised that for so long, i've been taking so many things for granted, been so ungrateful, even arrogant. and while its so easy to come up with so many "valid reasons" for why i turned out like that, ultimately the point is those "reasons" don't matter. those reasons are like puny efforts at trying to defend yourself and argue with God. at the end of the day, i just feel so ashamed and can only pray to be given a humble heart. God looks at the heart and a genuine and consuming desire to face up to your flaws, to take up your cross, and follow Him, because in the light of the Perfect, the imperfect disappears.

sure, trust in the Lord that whatever He wants to happen to you will eventually happen, whether or not there is any exertion on your part. but be careful of the thin line between faith and complacency. i think i’m beginning to see that God is not so much glorified through the results, but that He brings the glory to Himself when through the realisation of His love and the desire to reciprocate that love, a person is changed from the inside, to want to desire to please Him and to make every use of the position He’s put him/her in, responding in thankfulness and acknowledging His will in placing him/her there, being sensitive to every situation, in anticipation of the Lord’s leading, teaching and equipping for what is to come.

i sort of didn’t expect to write such a long post... but as it is, after throwing out all my thoughts, in the process making them more coherent to myself (and hopefully not too incoherent to you the reader), i find that the Lord has once again gotten a one-up on me... looks like the reason for me to work hard is quite clear now... although i do still find it a drag having to struggle thru this week... but then that’s where the aforementioned faith comes in right? :)

and if you did manage to get through this long post, i do suppose you’re one of those who actually bother really taking an interest in my life, despite how tough i make it for you with all my complaining and whining about it... so this here is dedicated to you, my darlings... thanks for being there for me and trying to cheer me up whenever i’m down... for agreeing to acoompany me when i’m feeling all moody and depressed and lonely... for trying not to laugh but ending up laughing at me anyway and calling me names when i go all ditzy, and for not telling other people why... for that encouraging word and long msn (or otherwise) conversations... for fond memories and warm fuzzy feelings... i can’t thank God enough for you people... i love you!!!!!! *muackz!*

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.

~ Colossians 3:23

word count: 1195. now if only writing essays for schoolwork was this easy.