happy landing!

i thought. i shd. on this momentous first day of proper work back from bce. post something.

i always post something when i think i shd. hm. what makes me think i shd? why shd i? what are the factors that induce me to post? ok i'm rambling. another topic for another day.

but... 1st day back in proper schooling mode, of sorts. project deadlines suddenly seem so real and prominent. the urge to hole myself up in the biz lib so strong.. its a bit scary. i'm so behind for stats, legal and especially econs.. i mean like. whats the difference between what AVC, AC, MC, MPL MPK and what have you!?!? and so, helpless and trying to look mildly intelligent during my tutorials, i cross my fingers and practice my invisibility spells. which have seemed to work so far. but then i better not count on them.

and now that bce is over, i'm reminded that although being involved in an event like bce is one way in which i can seek to honour God and to seek to glorify His name, it does not, and should not, take precedence over the other areas in my life.. like my work, and family... seeking to honour and to glorify His name should be something i work towards consistently in every part of my life and everything i do. and so, bce has been another learning experience for me.. in learning how to get my perspective on things right.

which leads me back to...
doe a deer a female deer
ray a drop of golden sun
me a name i call myself
far a long long way to run.............................
so.

i need to study.

ohoh. on another note. haha.. edmond you finally managed to sucessfully bug me to go for pgp cg. it was a really enjoyable time of dinner and fellowship and worship and bible study. (now i'm like.. 2 bible studies ahead of biz cg or smtg.. heh) thanks! (oh and thanks for your broom too.. hvaen't had the time to test-fly it yet tho)

oh and bing.. pls don't shave your hair and become a hermit ok.

and clarey babe.. am praying for your brain to turn into one of those gigantic sponges you get in the great big oceans ok? don't worry.. it'll turn out alright!! (i mean.. your head size won't expand too much lar.. i think.. i hope........... haha.. okok i mean your pros or whatever lar.)

oh i've finally semi-succeeded in posting a random and rambling post. oh i hope. ah well. yay i got gmail. though like, i don't see why i'd need it. shedrea-dot-mz@gmail.com -- she dreams? mz? mz dreams? get it get it? ok but continue sending to my hotmail lar k. gmail is for storage.. and for kicks. finally a email address other than one that starts with ihz_nim. well other than the one i had before the stupid server started making pple pay for the address. doof@heehaw.com haha.. brings back lotsa memories man.

okok. before i ramble on uncontrollably.. *shutup minzhi shutup*


*whispers*

what if i woke up.. and couldn't hear a sound?
and all that i could see.. was darkness all around?
that would all be nothing.. compared to what i'd feel..
if You didn't love... me.

- Corrinne May,
If You Didn't Love Me

and did i forget..

STILL NO CHILLI AND CHOCOLATES AND RICH STUFF BECAUSE OF THE LOUSY STOMACH! grrrrrrr........

save me from.. this crippling bane..

i feel like i'm falling apart.. like some porcelein doll, wholly incapable of keeping myself in one piece...

its unsettling how i don't seem to have control of my emotions.. which recently have been generally quite negative.. and i'm utterly disgusted with how i can let my emotions rule my behaviour all the time.. one would have thought at almost 20, i'd have better sense and discipline to do what i need to do or should do when i need or should do it. eek. as most of you reading this can attest to, i'm STILL horribly incorrigible when it comes to discipline and heck care-ness abt almost everything.. aiyah.. how how how? its not even heck care-ness man.. i just can't be bothered..

i've recently come to the realisation of why i behave this way... i think.

i think.. i've developed a habit of distancing myself from anything.. anything and everything.. nothing matters to me.. so if something ever happens, i won't feel anything.. be it grades, work, material possessions.. even relationships with other pple.. my friends, family... i dunno.. could there be any other reason for why i don't feel much for anything these days? no thoughts? no opinions? how everything just.. skims me lightly on the surface then disappears? i dunno.. i can't be sure either.. considering. yeah i dn't seem to be able to dedicate a lot of brain cells to thinking abt anything in general, much less this issue. sheesh. or am i just wallowing again.

which leads me to the other issue of always second guessing myself.. i can't seem to be sure of anything i think or feel anymore.. so i never dare to fully commit myself to anything. ack. ah why am i so bothered about me.

and another thing thats been bothering me. i have never been so sick in my life as in this past 1 year.
- starting from church camp in june.. when i had like.. severe gastric or smtg.. dunno. high fever, vomiting diarrhoea on the very 1st day of church camp.. spent the entire day in agony and wondering if the only reason God brought me to the camp was for me to have a nice super comfy resort bed to recover in... but miraculously i was up and playing frisbee the next day.. albeit appetite-less for the next 1 week.
- was still quite ok when i started uni.. until december.. when we started having more practices for the christmas cantata my church was putting up.. then i got this horrid cough/flu thing.. that lasted all the way til new year. starting sch again was ok.. until...
- mid jan.. when i got dengue fever.. 6 days in the hospital, crazy liver enzyme levels and platelet counts, endless needle poking sessions and many sleepless nights..was recovering when i got the inform from josh that i was gonna be in the bce main cast.. i remember telling him my dengue shouldn't affect my ability to act what.. after all, i still have my voice..... following which, you all shd know what happened already lar.
- i subsequently caught a cough/sore throat i dunno what from some joker who must have come to visit me while he/she had a throat infection. which has lasted like.. 2 months and is still not gone yet.. even though the musical's come and gone.. like i told josh last night, i'm sure the cough will get well now that the musical is over.. looking at the trend of things.. but
- took a nap at 6 and woke up at 8plus with a horrible horrible excruciatingly painful stomach.. had diarrhoea.. then stumbled downstairs bathed in cold sweat with the aim of getting some charcoal tablets or hot soup to calm my stomach.. but couldn't even make it to the kitchen.. fumbled on some light switch and just collapsed on a chair.. the light didn't come on (i must have hit some other switch).. was just groaning and feeling this strange vibrating feeling in my teeth and hands.. finally got driven opposite the road to see a doc.. who gave me a jab.. which is only mildly working.. i'm guessing its food poisoning from the big pau i ate before taking my nap.. probably been left outside for too long..
so yeah. have never seen such a great variety of medicine before in my life as i have in the last like.. 4 months mainly.. and i hope this trend is not gonna continue. i'm really sick and tired of being sick. really.

so long to long goodbyes

i thought i should blog something. it seems a pity not to do some entry regarding BCE throughout the whole experience.. and now that its done and (not quite) over.. shouldn't it be time i put my thoughts down.. (what thoughts i also dunno lar.. seems i don't quite have many thoughts nowadays).

but really.. to really want to write stuff abt BCE would probably take me a couple of days and a couple of blog entries.. so much to reflect on.. and really, i'm a bit too tired to recall all the things that i wanna talk abt.. but one thing that's really struck me over the course of these 2 (my goodness was it only 2?!?) months of preparations was the meaning of the word fellowship.. but my brain's in a rather sedate mood at the moment. and my cup noodles (chilli prawn flavour *yay* chilli at last) beckons..

so i guess today's entry will serve as a reminder.. and just for closure's sake. (or well.. a step towards closure since i guess i'm still gonna talk abt what i wanna talk abt.. well whenever i get down to talking abt what i want to talk about..).

but the musical is finally over. no more singing and dancing and shopping.. no more angsty long goodbyes or avoiding funny chalked out lines.. bimbo flirty mode FINALLY off.. and life is back to normal. or is it?


.23rd March 2005. the NUS Varsity Christian Fellowship was pleased to present to you,
Falling.Spinning.

a new day, new mercies, and new joy

i guess its the point
where we bid thee farewell

i guess now's the time
to take leave of the spell

so long to love and hope
so long to fairytales

go now these transient dreams
fall now these blinding scales

today's the day
i think i'll turn the other way
we've had our try
now we will say a long... goodbye

before the pain subsides
before the memory beckons

when death has shaken
all's changed in a second

i'll part with innocence
so goes eden's array

i'll make my exit here
from this world of dismay

no more delay
i think i like the other way
we've had our cry
now we will say our long... goodbye

i've been trying to find time to blog this entry for a while...

i've been.. struggling lately.. with a lot of things i just can't seem to let go off and surrender. i've not been doing my quiet time regularly.. many a time by my own choice.. feeling the urge to sit down, be quiet and read my Bible.. but yet turning a blind eye to these urges and and refusing to give in to them.. just because.

i've been starting to question myself.. asking myself where the passion's gone to.. asking myself where the sense of awe had gone to... asking myself where the gratefulness and joy went to.. asking myself.. if i ever truly believed.

i cried that day. when was the last time i cried like that in front of anyone?

i was calling out for God..i've been calling out for Him.. for the longest time i've been yearning to feel His love burning me from within again.. cleansing me and making me new.. but i've realised that while my mouth and mind were saying one thing.. my heart and actions were doing another..

i was reluctant to let go. just doggedly clinging to the easy, comfortable way out... but i couldn't take it anymore. i couldn't stand myself anymore. i was disgusted with myself. and i'm sure God had had enough of my stubbornness as well..

so its time to make a commitment. a renewed commitment to be pleasing in the eyes of God. to live a life that will bring a smile to His face. its difficult. its tough. its scary. leaving my comfort zone and wondering if what i do pleases Him. wondering if my faith is insufficient, non-existent, whatever. living each day trying to throw off the shadows of the moments before and living each moment looking towards Him. not knowing how to face Him. i feel so ashamed. its scary.

but i want to. i long to. i yearn to. i know there's nothing else worth living for in this world. knowing thats true, but letting that fact register, sink in, and manifest? oh Lord, help me!

and so i shall turn the other way, God's way. its not a sudden thing, nor is it a dramatic spirit-filled conviction thing. but a simple recommitment. i want to do my qt properly. i want to live my life pleasingly. taking practical steps and seeking His pleasure, i pray God will answer, and come.

so long to my stubbornness and pride. now i'll say my long goodbye...


Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! - 2 Corinthians 4:17

i think.. i finally get it...

Moon River,
Wider than a mile.
I'm crossin' you in style
Someday.
Ol' dream maker,
You heart breaker,
Wherever you're goin',
I'm goin' your way.

Two drifters,
Off to see the world,
There's such a lot of world
To see.
We're after the same
Rainbow's end
Waitin' round the bend,
My huckleberry friend,
Moon River
and

me.

..i think... ..i finally get it... ~

*muttermumblegrumble*

ok. i thought i should get something going again after several incoherent -how am i (that is you the reader) supposed to respond- blog entries..

aiyah.. how do pple keep finding stuff to blog about? what is it abt their lives that seem to be more interesting than mine? or have i just become so apathetic that nothing that happens seems to matter to me anymore? gah i've even seem to have lost the art of rambling.. i mean, having to think abt what to ramble on about is so utterly depressing.. its like, i really have nothing to say. its such a throwback to my -oh i'm so in awe of these pple around me i should just keep quiet and avoid saying anything stupid early teenage phase- that i thought i'd already grown out of for like. eons.

ok so maybe i have grown out of it and this is the -angst ridden trying to find some direction in life frustrated though not yet to the core latelatelate teenage phase-.

i hate econs. i have no no no no no no idea what's going on in class at all. yuck.
i hate stats lectures. i have no no no no no inclination to go for any of them at all. bah.
i hate legal essays. i have no no no no no idea how i'm gonna finish all the readings just to start on the intro. sheesh.

what happened to the "haaaaaaaai yah! *simulate chopping wood action* min zhi is so going to get 5.0 this sem!". sigh.. this is not good lor. i'm reverting back to the sleep and eat the day away so as not to have to think of doing work horrendous habit again. shoot. old habits die hard. how how how. *whine* ahhhhh i hate myself. no self control no discipline. disgusting. &^!(@$(%(oirhgiosghodisjg90808(Y&%)&jaoth :(((

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh. :C

bahhhhh. ok. i feel better now. bahdeebahdeeboo. oh no.. venting like that can't be too good either. haiyah haiyah haiyah. mood swings. not good.. no not good at all.. shoot. bang. plop.

blah ok, going back to pgp tonight.. shall endeavour to pia the night away. can't let my emotions govern my behaviour. its a horrible habit. almost 4 years out of sec sch and still like that.. new year (and non-new year) resolutions never seem to work. blah.

oh no.. this is such a depressing-ish negative entry.. eh i still got somemore to say leh how. about the musical..abt juicy stuff..(haha.. not mine sadly)..aiyah.. next time lar.. all you pple who can't stand reading long entries must have given up by now.. (then why am i bothering to type this since you probably won't be reading this anyway.)

okokokokok.. shall stop being longwinded. mz out.

milk chocolate? eh...

You are Milk Chocolate A total dreamer, you spend most of your time with your head in the clouds. You often think of the future, and you are always working toward your ideal life. Also nostelgic, you rarely forget a meaningful moment... even those from long ago. What Kind of Chocolate Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

what do you know?

all of a sudden...

i feel tired.

its sad,
how all we know,
is nought but mist
wavering, parting
in the wind,
illusions offering,
deceiving.

its sad,
how all we see,
shall simply cease,
not death defying
like living,
temporal voltages,
blinding.

its sad,
how who we know,
never see our dreams,
glossy laughter ringing
with eyes wide,
sincerely packaged gifts,
empty.

its sad, when you think the one who'll hear...
doesn't...
sometimes...
or pretends,
or contends,
or keeps you in suspense.



all of a sudden...

i feel tired.

Harre auf Gott...

hm. 1st midterm finally over. slept at 5.30am last night (or this morning, if you're fussy).. woke up at like..8.20 or something. was much better than expected.. actually found the paper quite easy.. except for that stupid spectra question that i thought referred to a waveform so couldn't do. (now why am i bothering with this, like you'd know what i was talking about anyway..)

hmmm.. have lost count of the number of caffeinated drinks i've been downing these past few days.. am quite ready to collapse into bed at the moment.. but for some strange reason am strangely reluctant to let such wonderful weather and night pass me by.. am still relatively on a high.. whoohoooooooo yeeeeeeeha yyyyyyyyyyyyaaaa! no. not really.

pseudo-random question. Schüchtere ich ein?

pseudo-random question 2 (no correlation to above question. pseudo-random, remember?). Warum ist mein Herz so schwer?

why do my actions and heart differ? why do i not run after the one who knows me full best? why.

for those who're still guessing... in case my msn nick changes.. (no need to announce it to the whole world if you think you've got it yes.. 1/2 the meaning and joy's in the guessing and discovery.. :p) ::: why ... soul? ... me? put...God, ... yet.., my.. and my.. :::

its not too difficult. quite easy really.. read.. and discover.. no search engines you hear? answer's not valid then!

"beautiful words to take to heart... aye".. -grin-

so til next time.. and the next exhausting day (not too far away).. auf wiedersehen, meine Freunde.. Gott segnen. :)