save me from.. this crippling bane..

i feel like i'm falling apart.. like some porcelein doll, wholly incapable of keeping myself in one piece...

its unsettling how i don't seem to have control of my emotions.. which recently have been generally quite negative.. and i'm utterly disgusted with how i can let my emotions rule my behaviour all the time.. one would have thought at almost 20, i'd have better sense and discipline to do what i need to do or should do when i need or should do it. eek. as most of you reading this can attest to, i'm STILL horribly incorrigible when it comes to discipline and heck care-ness abt almost everything.. aiyah.. how how how? its not even heck care-ness man.. i just can't be bothered..

i've recently come to the realisation of why i behave this way... i think.

i think.. i've developed a habit of distancing myself from anything.. anything and everything.. nothing matters to me.. so if something ever happens, i won't feel anything.. be it grades, work, material possessions.. even relationships with other pple.. my friends, family... i dunno.. could there be any other reason for why i don't feel much for anything these days? no thoughts? no opinions? how everything just.. skims me lightly on the surface then disappears? i dunno.. i can't be sure either.. considering. yeah i dn't seem to be able to dedicate a lot of brain cells to thinking abt anything in general, much less this issue. sheesh. or am i just wallowing again.

which leads me to the other issue of always second guessing myself.. i can't seem to be sure of anything i think or feel anymore.. so i never dare to fully commit myself to anything. ack. ah why am i so bothered about me.

and another thing thats been bothering me. i have never been so sick in my life as in this past 1 year.
- starting from church camp in june.. when i had like.. severe gastric or smtg.. dunno. high fever, vomiting diarrhoea on the very 1st day of church camp.. spent the entire day in agony and wondering if the only reason God brought me to the camp was for me to have a nice super comfy resort bed to recover in... but miraculously i was up and playing frisbee the next day.. albeit appetite-less for the next 1 week.
- was still quite ok when i started uni.. until december.. when we started having more practices for the christmas cantata my church was putting up.. then i got this horrid cough/flu thing.. that lasted all the way til new year. starting sch again was ok.. until...
- mid jan.. when i got dengue fever.. 6 days in the hospital, crazy liver enzyme levels and platelet counts, endless needle poking sessions and many sleepless nights..was recovering when i got the inform from josh that i was gonna be in the bce main cast.. i remember telling him my dengue shouldn't affect my ability to act what.. after all, i still have my voice..... following which, you all shd know what happened already lar.
- i subsequently caught a cough/sore throat i dunno what from some joker who must have come to visit me while he/she had a throat infection. which has lasted like.. 2 months and is still not gone yet.. even though the musical's come and gone.. like i told josh last night, i'm sure the cough will get well now that the musical is over.. looking at the trend of things.. but
- took a nap at 6 and woke up at 8plus with a horrible horrible excruciatingly painful stomach.. had diarrhoea.. then stumbled downstairs bathed in cold sweat with the aim of getting some charcoal tablets or hot soup to calm my stomach.. but couldn't even make it to the kitchen.. fumbled on some light switch and just collapsed on a chair.. the light didn't come on (i must have hit some other switch).. was just groaning and feeling this strange vibrating feeling in my teeth and hands.. finally got driven opposite the road to see a doc.. who gave me a jab.. which is only mildly working.. i'm guessing its food poisoning from the big pau i ate before taking my nap.. probably been left outside for too long..
so yeah. have never seen such a great variety of medicine before in my life as i have in the last like.. 4 months mainly.. and i hope this trend is not gonna continue. i'm really sick and tired of being sick. really.