a new day, new mercies, and new joy

i guess its the point
where we bid thee farewell

i guess now's the time
to take leave of the spell

so long to love and hope
so long to fairytales

go now these transient dreams
fall now these blinding scales

today's the day
i think i'll turn the other way
we've had our try
now we will say a long... goodbye

before the pain subsides
before the memory beckons

when death has shaken
all's changed in a second

i'll part with innocence
so goes eden's array

i'll make my exit here
from this world of dismay

no more delay
i think i like the other way
we've had our cry
now we will say our long... goodbye

i've been trying to find time to blog this entry for a while...

i've been.. struggling lately.. with a lot of things i just can't seem to let go off and surrender. i've not been doing my quiet time regularly.. many a time by my own choice.. feeling the urge to sit down, be quiet and read my Bible.. but yet turning a blind eye to these urges and and refusing to give in to them.. just because.

i've been starting to question myself.. asking myself where the passion's gone to.. asking myself where the sense of awe had gone to... asking myself where the gratefulness and joy went to.. asking myself.. if i ever truly believed.

i cried that day. when was the last time i cried like that in front of anyone?

i was calling out for God..i've been calling out for Him.. for the longest time i've been yearning to feel His love burning me from within again.. cleansing me and making me new.. but i've realised that while my mouth and mind were saying one thing.. my heart and actions were doing another..

i was reluctant to let go. just doggedly clinging to the easy, comfortable way out... but i couldn't take it anymore. i couldn't stand myself anymore. i was disgusted with myself. and i'm sure God had had enough of my stubbornness as well..

so its time to make a commitment. a renewed commitment to be pleasing in the eyes of God. to live a life that will bring a smile to His face. its difficult. its tough. its scary. leaving my comfort zone and wondering if what i do pleases Him. wondering if my faith is insufficient, non-existent, whatever. living each day trying to throw off the shadows of the moments before and living each moment looking towards Him. not knowing how to face Him. i feel so ashamed. its scary.

but i want to. i long to. i yearn to. i know there's nothing else worth living for in this world. knowing thats true, but letting that fact register, sink in, and manifest? oh Lord, help me!

and so i shall turn the other way, God's way. its not a sudden thing, nor is it a dramatic spirit-filled conviction thing. but a simple recommitment. i want to do my qt properly. i want to live my life pleasingly. taking practical steps and seeking His pleasure, i pray God will answer, and come.

so long to my stubbornness and pride. now i'll say my long goodbye...


Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! - 2 Corinthians 4:17