"girls are really hard to work with, because they're very emotional"
true, that... but made even more poignant 1 hour later when i found out my ms test results. was feeling quite pressured the whole of yesterday with the thought of having to do 2000 words by friday and not having really done any research yet. then came a whole night of high when i found out that the deadline had been postponed til monday, and a project presentation potentially on thursday had been cancelled completely, the report to be handed up on the 11th of Nov instead. mood is now at an all-time low having just found out that although i thought i got most of the questions correct for the ms test, i am in the bottom 40% of the class. bottom 20 to 40% more specifically.
have been trying to restrain myself from slamming the door. throwing my bag on the floor. tapping the keys on my keyboard really hard. been trying to ignore this tight feeling in my chest and the desire to curl up in my bed with my blanket over my head.
"its like that one la, for this kind of competitive module, the kind all the science and maths pple take"
not as if i don't know my work!? this is starting to get senseless. putting in all the effort to stay up to date and on top of my work. i know whats going on. huh. at least thats what i think, tho obviously if the results of any of my tests are anything to go by, i know nuts.
why why why am i bothering to care? why do i WANT to care?! caring just makes life so difficult! caring HURTS. now i can't even say that grades don't matter to me anymore, and there's nothing to hide behind, nothing to numb that horrible feeling. the frustration. the sense of failure. having to stomp down hard on my pride, admitting that yes my emotions are tied to my grades, amongst other things and people. and worst of all, realising that my emotions govern my life, if i decide to eat, drink, sleep, talk, do work...
they shouldn't, damn it. and i'm so sick of this.
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